November 29th, 2007 by Ellen
Immigrants are very, very bad. All of them. Especially if they talk funny. Or get A’s in school, and want to go to college. Once, one of them tried to sneak onto Mitt Romney’s property and help paint his house! That was awful. But, everything will be okay if we build really big fences, hundreds and hundreds of miles long, and never ever close down Guantanamo Bay. Which made me feel a whole lot better, because it would be scary to have to be anywhere near someone who talked funny. Or got A’s in school.
Gay people are very, very bad–especially if they want to serve their country, raise families, or get married to someone they love very much. (I do not even want to think about the possibility of a gay person who talks funny.)
All taxes are very, very bad–but, if we have to have some, the only good ones are regressive, and will guarantee that poor people pay much more than anyone else. Because poor people are bad, too. And scary.
It is unbelievably bad to let people make medical and personal decisions about their own bodies–and the government must do something about this! Probably, doctors and patients should all just go to prison forever. There is plenty of room in our jails now, because Rudy eliminated all crimes in America, all by himself, I am happy to say.
There are only two countries in the Middle East. In one of them, called Eye-raq, everything would be perfectly fine, but some bad, mean, evil liberals won’t let the troops win. (That is, when they are not busy showing off by reading books other than the Lord’s Word. Which they enjoy doing, because they are bad. Maybe we should send them all off to Mars to get rid of them. They might like that, anyway, since they hate America.) The other country is called Eye-ran. They are scary. We’re going to have to do something about them. Something really bad.
Torture is maybe a little bit bad, except only John McCain thinks so–and everyone knows he’s been kind of funny in the head since he actually got tortured, so what does he know? Plus, foreign people did that to him–which is just another reminder of how scary they are, and that we must do everything we can to destroy all of them.
Except the rich ones, because maybe we can make them buy a bunch of our products first, to reduce the trade deficit, as long as they promise never to come near any of our fences.
The Bible is very, very good. It is all true. Every word. Probably. But, the part about Jonah is sort of confusing.
The death penalty is good. Jesus said so. If you can’t find the passage in the Good Book where it says that, I am certainly not going to show you, because that just proves that you don’t love the Lord enough.
And the best thing of all is guns. In fact, it is a whole lot of fun to throw your machine guns and rifles back and forth, especially when they are loaded. (Speaking of playing catch, the American League is also good, because it has the word “America” in it. It is important to ignore the fact that many of the players have scary foreign names.) And it would be wrong to register guns, or require any sort of license or exam, because it says right in the Constitution that guns are private! In big letters! That part about “militias” is just a typo. If you are a real American, you have a lot of guns.
And if not–you are just too scary to live here.