Here is what I learned from watching tonight’s Republican debate
November 29th, 2007 by 
Ellen
Immigrants are very, very bad. All of them. Especially if they talk funny. Or get A’s in school, and want to go to college. Once, one of them tried to sneak onto Mitt Romney’s property and help paint his house! That was awful. But, everything will be okay if we build really big fences, hundreds and hundreds of miles long, and never ever close down Guantanamo Bay. Which made me feel a whole lot better, because it would be scary to have to be anywhere near someone who talked funny. Or got A’s in school.
Gay people are very, very bad–especially if they want to serve their country, raise families, or get married to someone they love very much. (I do not even want to think about the possibility of a gay person who talks funny.)
All taxes are very, very bad–but, if we have to have some, the only good ones are regressive, and will guarantee that poor people pay much more than anyone else. Because poor people are bad, too. And scary.
It is unbelievably bad to let people make medical and personal decisions about their own bodies–and the government must do something about this! Probably, doctors and patients should all just go to prison forever. There is plenty of room in our jails now, because Rudy eliminated all crimes in America, all by himself, I am happy to say.
There are only two countries in the Middle East. In one of them, called Eye-raq, everything would be perfectly fine, but some bad, mean, evil liberals won’t let the troops win. (That is, when they are not busy showing off by reading books other than the Lord’s Word. Which they enjoy doing, because they are bad. Maybe we should send them all off to Mars to get rid of them. They might like that, anyway, since they hate America.) The other country is called Eye-ran. They are scary. We’re going to have to do something about them. Something really bad.
Torture is maybe a little bit bad, except only John McCain thinks so–and everyone knows he’s been kind of funny in the head since he actually got tortured, so what does he know? Plus, foreign people did that to him–which is just another reminder of how scary they are, and that we must do everything we can to destroy all of them.
Except the rich ones, because maybe we can make them buy a bunch of our products first, to reduce the trade deficit, as long as they promise never to come near any of our fences.
The Bible is very, very good. It is all true. Every word. Probably. But, the part about Jonah is sort of confusing.
The death penalty is good. Jesus said so. If you can’t find the passage in the Good Book where it says that, I am certainly not going to show you, because that just proves that you don’t love the Lord enough.
And the best thing of all is guns. In fact, it is a whole lot of fun to throw your machine guns and rifles back and forth, especially when they are loaded. (Speaking of playing catch, the American League is also good, because it has the word “America” in it. It is important to ignore the fact that many of the players have scary foreign names.) And it would be wrong to register guns, or require any sort of license or exam, because it says right in the Constitution that guns are private! In big letters! That part about “militias” is just a typo. If you are a real American, you have a lot of guns.
And if not–you are just too scary to live here.
Posted in Politics |
November 29th, 2007 at 5:03 pm
I also learned that Mitt Romney feels pretty sure Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell is working. He didn’t think it would, mind you…but it sure seems like it has. I stopped watching after that.
And you and I already knew guns were fun.
I also learned that even when he’s spouting the most insane backwood hillbilly nonsense (and I am a backwoods hillbilly, so I can say that), it’s still pretty damn difficult to DISLIKE Mike Huckabee. If there’s a third-party challenge…I really hope it’s him.
November 29th, 2007 at 8:26 pm
This is my favorite thing ever written.
November 29th, 2007 at 10:02 pm
Thank you! I’ll confess that it gave me a little giggle to write it–especially cruelly writing with simplistic diction.
I like Huckabee, too, Jonathan–doesn’t it suck?
November 30th, 2007 at 1:49 am
Did Roodee say anything besides noun,verb, 911? I am a backwoods hillbilly too, but even so couldn’t bring myself to watch. Every time I switched to it all I heard was how this one or that one was MORE pro-torture, pro-war and more ANTI gays and brown people than the other white guys on stage. Good thing we don’t call ourselves a civilized country anymore.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:52 am
Ellen, your time & date stamp are messed up. Down here on the red earth of Tara it’s 8:50p.m. on November 29. Your response to Jonathan happened an hour & 10 min in the future.
November 30th, 2007 at 4:43 am
This is truly excellent, and everyone in America should read it. Unfortunately, the people who really NEED to read it … wouldn’t understand it.
I only heard excerpts on NPR, and even I liked Huckabee. So I’m not sure he’s a Republican.
November 30th, 2007 at 1:55 pm
How I love the red earth of Tara. And, while I am drinking coffee at the moment, I would sure like some sweet tea right now…..
I can only explain the time difference by saying that I have magical powers.
The only other thing that Rudy had to say was that no, of course, he didn’t spend $400,000 of taxpayers’ money by taking many trips to the Hamptons (with huge security entourages) to visit his girlfriend–while still married to one of his former wives. But that if he had, he _needed_ security, because of all the threats he got–but, he was always too brave to tell anyone about them. And that–yes, of course–9/11 proves how brave he is.
November 30th, 2007 at 3:57 pm
What a smart, astute, intellectual sister I have. I agree with everything. Especially about the Bible. I read it cover-to-cover every night, and live faithfully by Its every word…
November 30th, 2007 at 3:59 pm
Even after having read It every night, I, too, admit that the Jonah part is a bit vexing pour moi…
November 30th, 2007 at 5:52 pm
It is well known that I am wicked smart.
I, in fact, understand the entire Jonah thing perfectly–but I am not going to explain it, because Jesus told me _personally_, and I am Special.
November 30th, 2007 at 8:20 pm
So who wants to start the Ellen Emerson White for President move? I do, I do! You are, as always, a most fantastic writer. I thank you for making me laugh so hard that I spit coffee all over my work. My boss might not thank you as much.
December 6th, 2007 at 3:34 pm
Thanks. I may hammer the Democrats next–or, I may be merciful. Haven’t decided yet.
December 11th, 2007 at 7:44 pm
Loved the piece. You made me laugh a lot. I confess that I did not watch the debate–I was afraid that I would throw up, since I am a member of one the Bad People, and I hate it when people pretend to know all about my life.
December 13th, 2007 at 5:37 am
Honestly, it mostly just made me giggle.
Unless one of them actually wins the election.
December 13th, 2007 at 12:28 pm
Yeah. (Since it’s happened before.) And THEN what the hell will we do?
December 14th, 2007 at 12:01 am
Move to Canada?